Harry Caray on Jusenkyo
by soapfiction
Summary: Harry Caray interviews the Jusenkyo Guide. Hilarity ensues.


Here's another SNL feature. One of the better skits from the great Will Ferrell will now be featured as a Ranma fic. Harry Caray Interviews one of the more underrated people in the cast. Enjoy!

**Harry Caray on Jusenkyo**

(An announcer speaks as the TV program begins)

"From the Seven Wonders of the World to the most remote and unknown wonders of our planet, this is _Wonders of the World_. With your host, Chicago Cubs broadcaster, Harry Caray."

(Camera pans to stage where Caray and a familiar man sit side-by-side. In the background are pictures of all the known wonders of the world, including the Sphinx, Pyramids, Statue of Zeus, Colossus of Rhodes, etc.)

"Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! And welcome to _Wonders of the World_! We've got a great show lined up for you tonight! Joining us in the studio tonight all the way from Qinghai, China, is the man who has the job of being the guide for the tenth Wonder of the World, the Cursed Springs of Jusenko!" He turns to the guide. "Welcome to the show, Mr. Guide!"

The guide looks at the camera calmly, albeit a bit nervous.

"Uh, thank you. It's very nice being here."

"All right! Now, Mr. Guide, apparently, Jusenko has a bunch of springs that are able to turn people into animals and such! Is that true?"

"Uh, that's _Jusenkyo_. And, yes, the springs are all cursed, each one with their own legend. Something drowned in each spring a long time ago, and therefore-"

"Fantastic! Simply fantastic! I looked over a chart with all the springs earlier, and I just love how they got everything so perfect! Man, boy, girl, cat, pig, ox, duck, heck, even twins! I hope you're making more springs, sir! Cause there's a lot more to do!"

The guide held back a laugh. "Uh…make more? Not really, all the springs got their curses over a thousand years ago. And, really, all the legends are tragic. I mean, it's not too bad if a duck and a cat drowned, but real people drowned in those springs. Now, if people fall in, they'll be cursed."

"That's something else!"

"Uh…yes, it is."

"And is it true that water triggers the curses that these people get?"

"Yes, yes it is, sir. Cold water activates their cursed form, and hot water reverses it, sending them back to their true form."

"Simply unbelievable! I guess people who fall into a spring that changes them into small animal would never get to go swimming! That's a real shame!"

"Yes, that's how it is for a lot of people."

"Mr. Guide, I wanted to ask you, what's your favorite spring of them all?"

The guide looks a bit confused.

"Well, I don't really have a favorite, they're all unique in a very special way. All the springs are important to me."

"Mine's the one where you change into a cat!"

"Oh, really? You like cats?"

"Not really, but it would suit me! If I was around that place, I'd probably go and jump into the cat spring!"

"Well, why would you do that?"

"Curiosity, I guess! Hell, I'm curious like a cat! Some of my friends call me 'whiskers'! That's why being a cat would suit me!"

"Because you're curious like a cat?"

"Pretty much! Hey! Mr. Guide, how many people have you seen fall into the springs in your time there?"

"Uh, how many? I don't remember the number now, but I do keep the log back home, just to make sure who needs to come back for a cure-"

"That's really amazing! Hey! You know what they should do? They should find Frank Sinatra, and drown him in a spring so they can make more of him! That would be great!"

"…..Well….I don't know about that…but, isn't he already dead?"

"Well, that's irrelevant, Mr. Guide, cause, technically, I'm supposed to be dead! But you see me here talkin' to ya, don't you?"

"Well, I guess you have a point there."

"And besides, they still need to find a way to make more of Sinatra; the more of him we get, the better! Imagine having a Frank Sinatra at every city! It'd be just great, wouldn't you think?"

"Well, I guess so, he was a great singer."

"You're damn right he was! Hey! I heard there was a spring where you turned into a combination of animals, like an ox, crane, eel, and snow monster! Who the hell came up with that one?"

"Uh, yes, it's the Spring of Drowned Yeti-Riding-Ox-While-Carrying-Crane-and-Eel. It's a very strange one, but it is what it is. Sadly, the only one to ever fall into that spring turned out to be a mean one-"

"Yeah, and his name was 'Pantyhose'! I got it from some guy I talked to earlier, who turns into a girl from that curse! He must be pretty mad if his name was 'Pantyhose'!"

The guide tries to calm Caray down.

"Shh, you shouldn't say that! He could be watching, and he can fly, you know!"

"Oh, that's alright, Mr. Guide! I took that into account, and made sure the studio was defended by the best of the best! We've got a missile defense system plus a resurrected Bruce Lee outside, ready to go in case any stupid monster by the name of 'Pantyhose' shows up!"

"Oh, really? How did you bring back Bruce Lee?"

"Like I said earlier, Mr. Guide, I'm supposed to be dead, but I'm right here! Plus, last week, we got Albert Einstein, even thought he was dead! It doesn't really matter!"

"Oh. Well, I guess that's good." He still looks a little uneasy.

"Of course it's good! Hey! Let me ask you one more thing! If you could choose between being the most respected man in China, or falling into that Spring of Drowned Ox-whatchamacallit, which would you choose?"

"Well…well, of course, being the most respected man in China!"

"Oh, good! I thought you were gonna choose the Ox spring!"

"Why on earth would you think that?"

"I don't know, I guess I'm just a worrier! That's why my friends call me 'whiskers'!"

"I thought you said your friends called you 'whiskers' because you were curious as a cat, or wanted to be a cat."

(Pause, with Caray still convulsing his head, as always)

"Well, Mr. Guide, it has been a pleasure! We've covered a lot of ground, shared a few laughs, thanks for comin' on!"

"Uh, you're welcome. My pleasure."

"He's a good man! Tune in next week for-"

A light falls from the ceiling as the sounds of battle can be heard from out side the studio. Caray listens in on his ear mic.

"What's that? Oh! It appears that that monster by the name of 'Pantyhose' has decided to proceed in attacking the studio despite our former warning! Looks like we're gonna need to rebuild the place later on!" The studio is rumbling. "Tune in next week for a look at the world of Space Bounty, with our guests, the members of Cowboy Bebop! See ya next time! Cubs win! Cubs win!"

Caray shakes hands with the guide once more as the studio begins to rumble. The sounds of missiles and a screaming Bruce Lee can easily be heard as the logo _Wonders of the World_ finishes up the program.

* * *

Well, what do you think? Funny or not? I rarely ever see fics featuring the Jusenkyo Guide. I just felt this scenario would work. Read and review, if you have time. Happy trails. 


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